A year ago, I was ready to quit teaching. I began to question my ability as a teacher. It had nothing to do with what was happening with my students. However, it had everything to do with my boss. When we had one of the best special education directors I have ever experienced leave, I was devastated. She was amazing at the job, but she deserved to move on to a better place to do amazing things. Her replacement though was horrible.
For the first year and a half, I laid low and just did my job. My co-workers were her targets and I didn't know how to help them. However, as I became more uncomfortable with things that I was being told to do, I spoke up. I tried to talk to her, no progress, spoke up at board meetings and suddenly I was the target. I began to be bullied by her. She would say one thing and when it was due, she changed the expectation. She would say something and then she would deny saying it. For my last year in that district, I was written up 7 times and suspended twice. That isn't easy for me to put out in the world, but it is such a part of the story I can't leave it out. I had never been written up in 19 years. This was new ground for me. I'll admit that I struggle with organizational stuff. It sucks, but one of the side-effects of ADHD. However, I was good at my job and knew what I was doing.
That last year was traumatic for me. I was told to not tell a parent that she wanted to change the programming for a student but told the parent. I felt it was unethical to keep the parent out of the plan. I was written up for that. Most of my write-ups were similar to this. Yet, I felt I was on the precipice of an ethical choice and I always went with the family or student. My boss didn't approve and would write me up. At this time last year, I was so degraded that I was barely functioning. My anxiety was at an all-time high and I suffered panic attacks daily. I could barely make it to work because I was so stressed out. In my last six months, I was doing the worst teaching and case management of my career. I started taking her words and actions to heart. I was defeated and ready to leave the profession. On the last day of school, my car was packed and I left the building to never return. Twenty years I spent in the district and I walked out at the lowest point in my career.
I redid my resume, I took classes in business and I started looking for jobs that my years of educational experience might apply to. I was working in a nutrition club making shakes and I was ready to give it all up. I told my husband that I couldn't go back, it would break me. For two months of that summer, I was done teaching. If I had to make shakes for the rest of my life, then so be it. Yet, something was niggling at me. I couldn't figure it out. My anxiety and depression were still high, I stressed over health insurance, finding a job I was interested in and still something was missing or wrong. I started examining my life and what choices I was making. I regretted how my career in Romulus ended and I realized that I was letting others' issues bring me down. I wasn't just drowning in my problems, I was taking on other people's problems. I did this without being asked, it is just who I am. I realized I needed to eliminate some people from my life because they were going down and taking me with them.
I ended a few friendships because, through their pain, they lashed out at people who just wanted to help and be there for them. I feel like this makes me out to be a horrible person, but I was already drowning and felt I was being handed an anchor to hold onto. I had to make a change if I wanted to survive. After the dust settled, it was the beginning of August and I suddenly realized that I was meant to teach. I had to find a new teaching job, NOW! I will be honest I hate going on job interviews!! I MEAN HATE!!!! It was the one thing that stopped me from looking for changing jobs earlier. I also had lost all confidence in myself as a teacher, so I felt like a fraud when I was sharing all the things I added to my application and even in the interview. It was a horrible feeling. However, the principals at Forsythe took a chance on me and I will be forever grateful!! This past fall, I was the new ASD self-contained middle school teacher. I have five boys, most being non-verbal. It has been one of the most challenging positions of my career. I will share in another post about my first year in Ann Arbor.
Nonetheless, through a super supportive team and five awesome boys, I got my groove back. I am starting to get my feet under me and feel like I am good at what I do. My anxiety pokes his evil head up on occasion, like when I received my notice that we needed to get everything we need to be out of the building for the minimum of the next three weeks. I cried. I will miss my boys and the progress we were making and just this whole experience of this virus. However, it also gave me time to realize I have something to share with the world and now I have the time to do it. So here I am, sharing with you one of the most difficult trials of my career. Maybe it will resonate with someone and they will know they are not alone. If you feel that way please reach out!!
Last little sidenote that also contributed to me being able to share. My former boss was doing something shady, I can't share details. However, she was a schemer and got caught. It was validating to me when I heard this. Because there were times that I wasn't sure if the problem was her or me. I admit, that in the end I was a mess and sucked at my job. However, I was beaten down and not the true person I could be, because she wouldn't allow it. Yes, I gave her too much power but I have since taken it back and I am rocking at my new job!!!
